Starting the Weight Loss Journey again...

I've always had problems with my weight, for as long as I can remember.  I wasn't a fat child by any means,  but between the ages of 11 and 14 I went through a really awkward overweight phase that started it all.  I was short and pudgy and got made fun of a LOT by cruel kids with nothing better to do with their time than to make others feel bad.

When I was 14, I started playing soccer on the Junior Varsity team.  I played every year through high school and stayed within 10 lbs of my ideal weight the whole time.  Even though I was at a healthy weight, I was still convinced I was fat because of the teasing and because, for some reason, I thought only girls in a size 0 who weighed under 120 lbs were thin, and anything heavier was fat.  I was 5'6" and 155 lbs my Junior year and could wear a size 3/4 in some pants, though most of them were a 5/6.   I didn't wear an extra small, but wore a small or medium depending on the cut of the shirt.  My soccer coach didn't help with my weight scares because he would always insist that I needed extra large soccer shorts and an extra large jersey, and my soccer socks never worked quite right with the size of my legs.  I have always been bottom heavy, and never realized just how thin I was at that point until I was an adult and the damage had been done, I was overweight and had developed a severe emotional binge eating disorder.  I figured at one point that if the people at school thought I was fat that I was and might as well eat whatever I wanted.

[caption id="attachment_6" align="aligncenter" width="241" caption="Summer of 2001, I had just turned 17"][/caption]

I worked in a fast food restaurant and was able to eat relatively cheaply there, and when I was on my way home from work, I'd stop in at the gas station and pick up a candy bar or two..or three.  Because I was so athletic (I played soccer, indoor soccer, tennis, and then summer soccer), I never gained weight more than a couple of pounds.  I could run a mile no problem and enjoyed being active, but something changed and I got so depressed that I stopped caring and stopped working out.

I got to college my freshman year and was terrified of all of the other people there.  I don't do well in large groups and suddenly here I was surrounded by people I didn't know.  I hung out with my roommate and got into going out partying, not going to class, and eating whatever I wanted in the cafeteria.  At the end of the Fall Semester, I weighed 235 lbs and had a GPA of under a 1.  The bipolar disorder set in during this period too and I just never left my room for a certain amount of time.  I went back for my Spring semester and was able to successfully lose about 15 lbs due to making a new friend who wouldn't take no for an answer about working out, and I was only eating one meal a day so the pounds melted off.

Then, we had to choose our roommates for our Sophomore year.  The way the dorms worked at Daemen was that freshmen were in a traditional dorm while Sophomores, Juniors, and Seniors were in a more apartment like atmosphere, with 4 people sharing one apartment with 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.  Nobody wanted me to be their roommate.  Not a single one of my friends.  They had all paired off with each other and I was left to the lottery of people who either had a group of 2 or 3 or those who were singles and had nobody.  It was humiliating and only aided in my fear of not being liked by anyone.  My new roommates sophomore year were nice for the most part, but ignored me because I was a sophomore and they were seniors.  We had nothing in common, none of them were even medical majors, most of them were education so I literally had nothing to talk to them about.  They ended up ditching me and just ignoring me for the whole year and I sunk further into depression and therefore into food.

After a year from hell with the illness and subsequent death of my grandfather, I sunk back into my old habits and moved home with my parents.  I started at the community college that Fall and lost some weight due to the structure and cooking of my mother.  At the end of my fall semester, I met the man who is now my husband, Geoff, and for once in my life was happy to be me.  After meeting Geoff, I lost a few pounds but nothing spectacular.  I was at about 230 at this point but I was happy.  Geoff proposed in June of 2006 and I was ecstatic and immediately decided I needed to lose weight for the wedding.  I got myself to a point where I weighed 180 again and that is the smallest I have been in my adult life.  When the stress of wedding planning set in, I gained weight back, about 30lbs, and on my wedding day I weighed about 212 lbs.  I looked ok, and felt good, but I wish I had been able to maintain the weight loss at that point.

At my rehearsal dinner.

After we got married, Geoff and I moved to Kentucky so he could start his new job.  I immediately put on weight and by the fall of 2008, I weighed over 260 lbs.  At that point, I knew something had to change and due to my depression and a boss who treated her employees like shit, quit my job.  After quitting, I dropped 30 lbs in a few months just because I had dropped the stress of the job.  That January, I weighed about 235 lbs and was relatively happy, but then shit hit the fan again and Geoff and I started having trouble in our marriage.  I got back up over 240 lbs and again was miserable.

[caption id="attachment_8" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Summer 2009, at around 235 lbs"][/caption]

I was able to maintain that 240 lb weight until the fall of 2010, when my father was diagnosed with cancer.  At that point, I got severely depressed and gained more weight.  A full year after his diagnosis and subsequent death, I weighed in at 277 lbs at my heaviest weight ever for my cousin's wedding.  When I looked at the pictures, I knew something had to change, but because Geoff and I were trying to have a baby, I was afraid to lose the weight because it might impact a fetus.  Looking back at it, I feel stupid because many people lose weight before they know they are pregnant and the babies turn out fine.

Now, after our first IVF cycle failed, I am 100% committed to dropping this weight.  I officially start my diet on Monday, but I am watching what I eat until then.  I just don't want to limit myself on New Year's Eve, when my dad's BFF and his family will be here to celebrate with us.  My goal is to lose 50 lbs by the end of July and I know that if I set my mind to it, I can do it with no problem.  This is the first time I have been 100% committed to this and I have already lost 8 lbs toward my goal (the original goal was 60 by July).  I'm excited to get started on this journey and will be updating periodically on my progress.

[caption id="attachment_9" align="aligncenter" width="264" caption="Karen's wedding, around 277 lbs"][/caption]